Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Joy Love Story Holiday
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Friday, December 3, 2010

2 months!

Has it really been two months already? wow. Well it has been an eventful two months. So much going on, some bad but mostly good. We are in the hospital with Gz right now. About to be discharged. We have been here since 6 am yesterday. He had his tonsils and adenoids removed and they kept him over night for observation due to him being so young. Tavy has her two month well check this afternon as well. So I am dropping daddy and Gz off and picking up C and Tavy and we are heading out to the appt. I am so exhausted. Every few minutes Gz would wake up screaming. His alarm for his heart rate and 02 kept goig off also. So mommy is whipped. Daddy is gonna go home and rest because HE is doing dinner tonight lol.
I will find out Tavy's weight and all and post a update later. Just wanted to give a small update on Gz.We have a long 10 days ahead of us for his recovery because he is not taking it well. So I am hping it gets better for him fast.

Take care all!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

My doctor appointment

Well, I finally found a doctor to help me with my PTSD. I have to go to another county and make a 40 minute drive, but that is ok. He is well worth it. He and his wife are outstanding people. I mean he listened to everything I said and even felt anger towards how I was treated by the OB when I had Octavia. I finally have a medical professional not treating me like and making me feel stupid or small. He really wants to help me and his wife does therapy so I start next week. They specialize in PTSD. He is a military vet who served and was a military doctor. He has a wall full of medals, plaques and awards. Everyone in the waiting room kept saying the wait is worth it. We waited over an hour for me to be seen. And he spent 30 mins just talking to me, then his wife spent almost 3 mins talking to me. And she had one of her babies at home. So yay! I have someone who understands why it was so important to me. She was forced into some things she did not want as well. I just can't tell you how good I feel. They are just so much like me and junior. I am happy and hope everything goes good because I think I have a friendship in them as well as help. That is just how they are to everyone. So warm and kind and helpful. There needs to be more doctors like this. Those who know me personally and know what I have been through know I have been through the ringer with doctors. From OB to pediatricians, all because I believe in nature. I believe in medicine when truly needed. But I do not believe in bombarding my children's little bodies with drugs and crap. It is my job to care for these little humans and make sure they are healthy and loved as well as protected. This is my job. So I just do not understand why so many people want to give me crap for researching medicines before my kids take them, and looking into other options before putting my children through anything that could traumatize them. I just have to make sure that I make the best decision based on all facts. This includes researching both sides of an arguement. So it is not like I just rush into something without knowing what I am doing. I do my best to protect the well being of myself and my children. I just wish people could understand that you never EVER do what a doctor says just because you think you have to. You should always ask tons of questions, do your own research and make informed decisions. I can not stress this enough.

Anyway, before I get up on my soapbox (too late? lol) I will just say I am thankful for this doctor and I hope everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving eve! Have fun thawing that turkey! Remember to never leave the raw turkey out, unless thawing it in COLD water (neveer use warm or hot water) and enjoy those around you and let them know how thankful you are!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

week 7

And there goes another week. Octavia is growing, and cooing and just so beautiful. It amazes me how wonderful she truly is. Every one of my kidlets are so special. How each one of them has changed my life and altered my very existence is astounding.
I found my good camera so I will be taking pictures of the kids together for our christmas cards this year.
Juni finally calls daddy, dada. lol She used to call me and him both mama, but now she says dada. She is getting so big.
Everyone is doing good and we are steady working on the house. I want everything done before I start my 6 week training in January. Well everything inside the house. The outside will be done in April sometime. *crossing fingers*.
Well this week is Thanksgiving. I hope everyone has a wonderful celebration. However you celebrate, be thankful for those who love you, be thankful for the little things and the special moments in your life. Life is so short and while there is much bad in this world right now, look into your children's eyes, see the happiness and peace within them. I read somewhere once that children are so happy because they don't have the "everything that can go wrong" file in their minds. Maybe every now and then we need to turn off all access to that file and just embrace life as a child does. There is nothing wrong with having a little fun and believing in magic.
Take care and have a wonderful holiday!!

Monday, November 15, 2010

week 6

wow, 6 weeks already?? Where does time go? Does it have some secret warp speed, it sneaks in when we are not looking? My baby is getting so big! She has been holding her head up since the start, she smiles, coos, follows our amazes me how smart they are.

I have been a mom of 8 for 6 weeks and I can truly say there has not been a dull moment.
I love these little creatures that I helped create! They are the only ones in my life that do not look at me and judge me or look at me with disgust. I can burn dinner, have a bad hair day and even forget to pick something up from the store and they don't even notice! They are so awesome and all I have in this world. IDK what I would do without them for one second!

If you have been following me, you know this is the week I am supposed to get "the call". I am so anxious! I just want them to call me already!! I want this job! Keep checking in as I will update.

I am exhausted, gonna get the kidlets in bed and lay down and relax. Hope everyone had a great monday.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

week 5 update and a look into our lives

So I have decided to post both the 5 week update and a look into a typical day in our house. I have had so many ask and I just haven't had the time. But now I have found an extra few mins and will post it now. =)

Okay, week 5 is off to a good start. I am having some issues again. I am doing my best to be okay, but as I have said before, I have good days and I have bad days, and this is just one of my bad ones. I guess its to be expected. I didn't sleep much if at all last night or today. I had bad dreams again and a couple of panic attacks. I did rest holding Octavia for a little bit this morning.
She is doing good. She is not liking the formula and I hate it as well. I hate having to make bottles and listen to my hungry baby cry while waiting on me. I am used to nursing my babies. But I know this is best as my anxiety and such has really made me so uptight my milk pretty much dried up. Which in turn made her miserable and me feel even worse. So overcoming the loss of nursing her and that bond just seemed the better route for all of us. I am still sad about it, but each day I feel a little better. It isn't easy at all, and if you have gone through it you understand. If you haven't gone through it or know anyone who has, you probably think I am nuts lol, but that's okay.

Well I got my motherhood tattoo and I love it! I have some other tats I want but I have to wait until I get my job. for that look into our lives...

A typical day in our house is pretty busy.
Our day usually starts between 7 and 9. It just depends on how the night before went. On Sundays I get the children's school work printed up and organized with the help of my eldest daughter. We get everyone folders done once the little ones are settled on Sunday nights.
Usually breakfast is cereal or a bagel, I do get up and cook a few mornings a week. It usually takes almost 2 dozen eggs, two pack of biscuits and I make a side such as grits, cream of wheat or oatmeal.
The kids get one their reading, math and whatever other work I have for them for the day. I do not do school like the public school system does. My children do a lot of reading and book work but we also do units. Like they don't do science every day, but we do units of science and same for history.
Lunch is done around 1230 or so. Usually something healthy but easy.
Then it's back to school work.
Right now our yard is grown up because our brand new mower fell apart, literally. The housing came lose and broke while Steven was mowing.When it's mowed the kids go out back for a good while before dinner. And they will go back to that this week. In the meantime we had been going other places.
In between everything I clean. I wash bathrooms, counters, dishes, clothes, floors, vacuum ad all that fun stuff. I mop every other day. And I do deep cleaning once a month which entails wiping down walls and dusting and cleaning ceilings and fans and all. My floors have to be swept and vacuumed every other day to everyday.
Dinner comes around 530. Junior tends to do dinner more often then I do and a couple nights a month we get take out. But it costs a lot to feed a house 8 kids and 3 adults lol.
After dinner we do baths. Now we don't always bathe them every night. Sometimes it is every other night. Every one of my kids have eczema. And washing them too often makes them itchy and complain a lot. But they get bathed almost every night just because I can't let kids go to bed if they have any kind of smell other than fresh and clean lol.
I bathe 6 of the 8 kids and help my oldest girl wash her hair.
After baths I brush 4 of the 8 kids teeth, 3 brush their own and 1 doesn't have a yet lol. Then I make sure beds are ready for bed. I usually wash sheets once a week or more so their beds are almost always fresh and clean and ready, I just make sure the sheets didn't come off because one of the kids has played around and pulled it off.
Then it is time for meds. Gin gets his nose spray, GZ get nose spray and allergy meds and Nik gets his anti seizure meds and mood meds. We let them watch a little nikc jr and then its time for lights out.
We have good days and bad days, but this is a typical day here. We have a lot of appointments and go out of town for some of them. Things can get very busy here. I am hoping to start working soon and daddy and steven will be home with the kids. One of us will always be here as it is against our personal beliefs for others to raise our kids. We support them and spend all of our time with them.
Once I start working we will have a family night once a week that we absolutely spend doing something together and Junior and I will have date night twice a month. I feel that because I will be gone so much and we won't all be seeing each other every day, every moment, that these nights are important for us as a family.

Is our life busy? hell yes it is lol! But we have talked many times and neither of us know what we would do if we were not always so busy. We would truly be lost without these kids.
In a way it is sad that being so busy and being with my family is helping me through my trauma, and no doctor is willing to help. No one will help me, I am on my own, as I have been for maaaaan years now. I do have family that has helped us a couple of times an they always offer support, but no one gets us out of our fixes but us. We are all we have. We are going through a lot right now and having each other keeps us strong.
Would lots of money help? I am sure it would as it would help anyone! and we would love to have lots of money. But to teach our kids to earn an honest living and what family is about, means so much more to us.

We are adding onto our home so the kids have more room and we have zero help. It is me, junior and steven. It is mostly the guys lol but I do what I can. We are almost done and so proud of everything we have done.

Well I will post more soon!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

A month already!

I can't believe it has now been a month since Octavia came into our lives. Yesterday was a full month. She is 9lbs 7 oz and 21 inches! She is growing so fast. Too fast if you ask me. I am feeling a little better. Let me reword that, I am still hurting and depressed, but I am learning to deal with it better. I am not sure I will ever "get over this". But I think it will get easier to ignore or deal with as time goes by. I still have nightmares, really bad. I am praying I get that call in 2 weeks for the CNA job. I think I need this. I mean I stay busy at home, plenty, with 8 kids. However, we need money and I need to work. I can't stand struggling. I am not used to it. I did not grow up struggling and got used to several years of having plenty of money. I have started over a few times, been a single mom twice and pretty much been there done that with enough in my life to say I have been through 3 lifetimes in one. So, now I would like things to level back out and things to get better. I am ready to accept the goodness the universe has for me and my family.
I am taking the kids pictures this week. Time to fill my walls up more with pictures of my munchkins.

I am also working on getting a group together locally for women who have had traumati c sections or forced into them for no real reason. If you know anyone who has been through this and is around panama city or surrounding areas please contact me through this blog.
I would like to make this issue known. It is very real and needs to be addressed. Women do not need to be made to feel stupid for feeling this way.

Well that's it for now.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

4 weeks

Octavia is growing so fast! She is already smiling at us. It has been almost 24 hours since I stopped nursing her. I am still sad, but she seems to be happier, so that is all that matters.
I go tomorrow to apply at a local nursing home to work as a CNA. Cross your fingers, I need this job. Junior and Steven have been trying to get a job and there is nothing here. I am hoping I stand a chance, since most things require specail training and such.

Well our paranormal group is getting a start as well. This is exciting to us. We got time on the radio and will have 2 articles written about us. Tonight we take a local radio host with us on an investigation.

I hope everyone is having a happy halloween.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

I am broken

I have come to the conclusion that I am broken. I am stopping breastfeeding tonight. I am just not enough for Octavia. I had this problem with Nik as well. So 2 of my 8 kids will not be breastfed. I just don't work right after a traumatic experience. I am so sad inside and this just adds to it. This is all messing with my mind so bad. I am trying to not blame myself but I keep running out of reasons why this whole thing isn't my fault. I just should not have called the midwife when I did. I should have waited a few hours. That was my origonal plan. But I really did not think she would make it to the birth because once my water broke things got harder and faster. I am so sad that I feel this way, but I can't help it. I try to keep my mind busy but it does't always work. To know I will never experience any of this again is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. It hurts so bad inside that sometimes I can not breathe. To feel like you are just not good enough, not enough for anyone, not my baby, not any man, it just hurts. I am working through this best I can. I try to numb myself, but some of this gets through. Hence this blog.
Will I ever be good enough?

So it turns out I m not crazy...

If you have time, you should read this in its entirety. click me
Makes me feel better to know I am not insane and what I am feeling is normal and happens more than people know.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

so life is happening all of a sudden

And out of no where thing have just exploded. Some bad but finally some good as well. Tomorrow morning we will be guests on our local radio station with our group PCPG (Panama City Paranormal Group). We get to talk about investigations and hopefully get the word out. We have no idea what direction this will go in. It could do nothing and we go back to life as usual. OR we could get more calls and investigaions. Who knows where that road will lead. All I do know is something has to give. Our whole group has been going through some real shitty times. (as most of you are as well). And things have sucked. We are also getting one article written about us and possibly another article if all goes well. We all need something to go good for us and something tells me things will turn around for us. I have to have that hope. Because we have had so many things go wrong it is like we are just experiencing one huge series of unfortunate events. If I even begun to tell all of you what we have been through you wouldn't believe it, but really, you can't even make this shit up!

Well, if you want to hear us tomorrow morning go to we should be live. I will post an update if need be.

life with boys...

Is so much different than girls. I have 3 and 4 year old boys and let me tell you I am playing referee almost daily. And if we are not breaking up fights, we are wiping doodle art off the walls. And if we are not doing that, they manage to keep us busy climbing on things and jumping off playing dare devil. My older two boys are past that stage, however, they are dirty lol. Boys are so much different than little girls. It is like two totally different experiences. My girls potty trained fairly easy, yet my boys took their time. I am still working on one of them, while my girl who is a year and a half younger is already showing signs of being ready. I think we start out this way. Seriously, if you research about conception and such you will find boy sperm swim faster and die faster, however, girl sperm swim slower and live longer. Its as though we are two different species all together. Don't get me wrong, I adore my boys! And my girls have drama lol. But it is so amazing watching how different they all are. Having 8 children I get to watch each of them, with their little personalities, blossom into awesome people. I just have a hard time with my boys lol. If they could learn to chillax and stop peeing everywhere but IN the toilet it would be awesome! :-)
I can't help but look at these kids that Junior and I have helped bring into the world and just be in complete awe. Every single one of these kids have something special to contribute to this world. Sometimes I just sit here and watch them and in the moments they are helping each other, watching tv together or just being cute, find such peace and happiness. It's almost like the only peace I find in this world. I look at them and am filled with happiness because I get to be a part of who they are, who they become even.
So I will trade my days of partying and hanging out and being able to just take off without searching for a sitter, for the fighting, the peeing all over my bathroom which I have to clean several times a week and even the dare devil acts, if it means I get to be there for all the moments in between.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

week 3

So I've grown fond of doing weekly updates. It gives me something to look back on and something for my kids to read one day.

Octavia is doing good. She is the fussiest baby yet lol. It is mostly around 8pm. I think she has a touch of colic. I swear I should weigh like 80 pounds as much as I am on my feet. I have been getting around more. It feels like my stomach is being torn when I am on my feet for a while but I am managing best I can. My scar looks a lot better than it did and the part that ripped has closed better. So I am hoping it has healed inside since the OB said it can take months for that to heal properly. I am just trying to get past the pain. Emotionally I am trying to hide everything. I am doing better at not breaking down in front of everyone. I have been going to the bathroom and hiding so Junior doesn't see me cry so much.
I know eventually things will get better, but I need time, some more time.
All of the kids are doing so good. Just wish time would slow up a bit lol. I am taking pictures of all of them this week. Gotta work on Christmas cards.
Our extra room is almost done. Things have just been non stop since Octavia was born and we have had tons of appts, trips out of town and even have a planned field trip for the older kids coming up so we are working on it as we can.
I am also thinking of starting a donation fund for my CNA. Seriously. I need to come up with 675$ for the class, plus 75 for my cpr cert and 75 for first aid. I am calling tomorrow to get full details on the dates for the classes but I really need to do this. I have a job waiting on me to get my CNA. It pays good! Soooo...I might be taking donations lol if anyone has extra money and feels kind and giving...

Well, not much else going on right now. I have a 3 week pic of miss Octavia of course. I hope everyone's week is great. Make sure to bookmark me and keep up with my busy life.

Daddy's hands make her look so tiny lol

Monday, October 18, 2010

The boy's appt

So we got up at 5am ad drove to Pensacola for Chris and Nik's neurology appointments. Nik is now on something to stabilize his moods. Nik has brain damage on the right side and since they used foreceps during his crash c section they feel that is what it is from since nothing of the such runs in our families. Every 6 seconds he has seizure activity. He has severe headaches and seizures and all of this going on in his little brain all at once really causes issues for him. So he gets moody and it is rough on him. I am thankful they have decided to try something to help him. It really hurts us not to be able to make him feel better. Everything else is going great with Nik. He is doing well with schooling and is so smart! Now we are happy to be starting the new meds and see how it helps him through the day.
Then Chris' doctor came in and told us that Chris has a rare metabolic disorder that had a bad prognosis. He reordered all the blood work and left the room. I tried my hardest to not breakdown. I know what the kreb cycle is and how it works from my pre med classes I was in a while back. I knew that if could not get this under control his life span would be shortened by a lot. Well we go to leave and the doctor calls us back in. By this point I am a wreck inside. With everything from Octavia's birth I'm already screwed in my head. This just made my brain totally fart and shut down. Well we go in to see him again ad he asks for the blood work order. He takes it back and begins to apologize to us for the mistake. They just started a new record keeping program and some of the charts got combined and/or messed up. I started to tear up from relief. I really thought I was going to choke him for scaring me like that! But I can't blame him completely. So, we are about to leave and Junior looks at Chri's prescription papers and they have some other kid's name on them. Some little 2 year old. Then it hit us, that is the kid whose chart got mixed in with Chris'. Now all day all I've been able to do is feel so bad for this little child and his family who will be getting the news their child has a severe metabolicdisease and his little life that has just begun might not be very long. But I am glad Chris is okay. We know he has some risidual damage from having meningitis and we are taking care of him.
Overall it was a great appointment. We don't have to go back til mid January.

Well I am off to feed the booby monster. She has been asleep since almost 3pm and it is now a quarter to 7 and my boobs are gonna explode lol

more to come...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

week: 2

I can't believe it has been two weeks already. This is the part I hate. How time just flies by with no care or concern for your feelings. Octavia has really changed my life on so many levels. She is my last baby. Everything I experienced with her is what I will always remember. Every single one of my kids have taught me something and Octavi taught me to never trust anyone, no matter what. I feel in a way she was affected by our birthing experience. Sometimes when she is staring at me, I can see it in her eyes. Sometimes I feel as though she is trying to tell me something.
If I have learned anything from all of my births, it is that only I know my body and what it is capable of, and I do not need validation. I know when I am sick, I know when something is not right and I know how to birth my babies. I just wish I had this knowladge when I had my first baby. So all of my children would have had peaceful amazing births like Juniper did.
Octavia is nursing good and is now 8lbs 9oz. We go for her two week check up on the 21st.
I don't have much else to say except the emotional wound is still pretty raw and I am dealing with it one day at a time.
Here is Octavia at 2 weeks (taken this afternoon)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

so sad inside

I has been 11 days since Octavia was born and I find myself crying once again. I haven't slept well at all since she was born. I have nightmares and panic attacks and as if that was not bad enough, I have been running a low grade fever since the night I came home from the hospital. I m trying my best to deal and fight off the depression and panic attacks. I am surounded by these amazing little people and I find my happiness in them. As long as I stay busy, keep my mind busy as well as my body I stay distracted. But at night when the house is quiet...I have thoughts. I just wonder what I have done so bad to deserve this pain. My sister told me (and several other people) that I am a bad person and I do bad things so that is why I am miserable. I know I am not perfect but I keep to myself. I do my best to raise my children to be good people, and to keep them unaffected by this cruel world. It is my job to protect them from harm. I keep them home and home school them and teach them all I know and more. I take them places and show them nature and teach them how to find the beauty in this world. But so many people have this screwed up view of me and family because we are different. I have such deep seeded beliefs and I can't go against how I feel and what I feel is right for us. I am always being judged and I reserve judgement of others. Right now when I need certain people the most, they avoid me. I know it is probably due to fear of saying something to set me off or hurt my feelings. What I need right now is not words, but just the presence of others. I don't need to hear I need to be thankful for a healthy baby, as if I wasn't. I also do not expect others to understand how I feel. I would not wish this feeling off on anyone. I am happy for the women out there that can have a c section and be okay. I often wonder why any woman would do one without an emergency, but it is that womans choice. It was MY choice, my wish, my dream, to have my last baby in the bed in which she was created and that was taken away from me bcause of one doctors ignorance! My risk of uterine rupture was pretty much zero! As I was almost fully dilated. Labor was over, I was in transition. I was better able to get passed Nik's birth because he could have died. It was a true emergency. While I got PTSD with his birth, it was due to anesthesia failure, or what one doctor told me was anesthesia awareness. I was diagnosed by several doctors/therapists with PTSD. I was drugged up and that was the "cure". I could not deal with being so tired amd having 5 kids to care for at the time. So I took myself off of the medications and found EFT through a dear friend of mine and found some healing. Then Gryffen's birth healed me. Having Juniper at home made it even better. By that time I was able to talk about Nik's birth without having any issues. I still had triggers, like the couple of times I had to go see an OB before my pregnancy with Octavia due to having two miscarriages back to back and then confirming my pregnancy with Octavia. But I was doing great and then found Midwives to take this birth. I was so happy. I finally trusted again. And now I am back to square one. If you can even call it that as I have taken ten steps back. There can be no heaing birth this time. No one will take me on having a c section and no vbac. I would have to do UC all the way. And Junior doesn't want me to have to go through all of this again. So here I am, done. I feel like a huge part of my life is over, like it just died. I can not even justify it. I can't say one of us would have died, so it had to be done, I can't say it was for the best. I can say nothing. I feel like a huge hole was ripped in me (well one was literally ripped in me I guess). But something will always be missing now. No pill, no therapy will ever help make it better. These OB's need to see what they do to women. I am not the only one. I found so many groups online of women whose stories sound just like mine. As if the only thing changed was the names. At least I found some people online that understand me. It would just make things better if someone in my life understood. Maybe I would not feel so emotionally retarded.

Monday, October 11, 2010

week 1

It has been one week since Octavia entered my life. All of the chaos, pain, heartache and her. The silver lining so-to-speak. She continues to amaze me. The fact I am now a mother of 8 also amazes me. It is so hard to believe I have brought 8 lives into this world. Each with their own special qualities and personalities. Each of them make up the puzzle that is me. Despite the hell I endured to get Octavia earth side, I am thankful for her existence. I am grateful for her. I am doing my best to get through the pain and the hurt. I know it is going to take time but I am hoping that one day I will be okay again.
If I have learned anything being a mother for the past almost 16 years, it is that you can not plan anything, because no matter how meticulous you are, no matter ow careful, something will always come up. New challenges present themselves everyday. I swear I am tested at least weekly. Usually more. It isn't what you go through, it is how you get through it. I am trying to come out of all of this a wiser and more mature being. If I can learn something to pass on to my children I will feel like I have achieved something. It is after 2 am and as I await Octavia's cries (which are starting now) I wonder what the next challenge will be. I wonder what is in store for today. What will I be able to accomplish today? If I can manage to walk around the house I will be doing good. I am healing, slowly, but I am healing. On the outside at least. I will work on the inside as well.
I am being beckoned for a feeding.
More to come...

Saturday, October 9, 2010

I became a statistic

Here is the story of Octavia-Willow Penelope's surgical birth...

On Friday, October 1st, I began having stronger than usual contractions. I became excited and thought for sure this was it. We were up all hours of the night watching my contractions get stronger and closer together only to watch them fizzle out around sun up. Saturday went by and I had a contraction here and there for most of the day. I noticed they became stronger, but not closer together. Around 7 pm that evening they kicked in full force. I was having good contractions ever ten minutes or so. These began to become painful in my lower back and hips. I tried to ignore them as I only thought they would die back down as they had before. At about midnight they were coming about every 7-ish minutes. In the back of my mind I thought this could be it, but did not want to become too hopeful. At about 3 am I told Junior that maybe we should just go on to bed. He asked what I thought we should do and I said we could just put Juni to bed and we could go on to bed and see what happens. He started gathering everything to get Juni in bed and for us to settle down for the night. I had a really hard contraction that took my breath away and hurt really bad. I told him I was so bummed that my body kept trying to start labor only to stop. This was about 330 am. I went to stand up and got another very hard contraction that made me cry out a little. I stayed sitting until it was over and felt this need to stand up right away. So I stood up and felt a weird sensation, like this pulling inside of me. I then felt what I thought was a trickle go down my legs. I told Junior I thought my water just broke. He came over and bent down and put his hand between my knees to feel an right when he did my water gushed all over and splashed him, the bed ad the floor. It just kept coming out. We got the garbage bags and towels and placed them under where I was standing and I made a huge puddle. I had Junior sweep for the cord and we found everything was good to go. He called he midwife and she said to check the heart beat an her mom would be on the way. So we checked the heart beat, it was strong and beautiful. The baby was still squirming around and settling in.
My contractions got hard and intense very quickly. I was sure the midwife would not make it in time as she had an almost 2 hour drive to make. Little did I know just how wrong I was.
Time seemed to fly. The midwife arrived around 630 am or so. Time was pretty foggy to me. She set up and checked me and found me to be about 6-7 cm's and the baby was still kind of high. This is norma for me as I have had so many babies. Mine usually do not get into the pelvis until I am around 9-10 cms and ready to push. I wasn't too worried at this point. However, I continued to labor and it stayed intense for a while then slowed down. I did that with Juni so I didn't think anything of it. Around noon the midwife checked me again and I was still about 7 cm's. While I wasn't too worried I noticed some worry in the midwife about my progress. This made me regret having an assisted birth, but I tried to remain positive. I walked and showered and labored for almost 2 more hours and when I was checked I was still at a 7. The midwife said that it might be time to think about transferring. I was so lost and upset and blame no one but me because I did not fight harder. So we grabbed a few items we knew we would need for the hospital and we headed out. I cried the whole way there. Still contracting. We arrived to the hospital and got upstairs and checked in. We went over everything with the nurses, the midwife gave all my info and they checked me. I was still about a 6-7 and baby was still high. They let me labor for an hour and checked again, I was 8 cm's and the baby came down into my pelvis more. I started feeling pressure with each contraction but kept quiet and hoped I could labor more. After a litte less than an hour I was checked again and at 9cm's. The on call OB was in a c section at the time so they let me labor more. I kept feeling a stronger kind of pressure with each contracion. The nurse came in and checked again and I was 9 and a half with a little cervix left and baby was a little high but not as high as she was. I told them I felt pressure and they said they were going to go get the doctor and talk to him. The nurse was gone a few short minutes and came in and said no VBAC, he would not do it because he did not feel comfortable doing one. I told them that I felt like I could push, they said no, I had to have a c section. I was so floored and shocked, my brain literaly stopped. I just could not think straight. Looking back I feel I should have just pushed anyways.
I was wheeled back to OR to be prepped. I was getting a spinal. This took 3 tries to do. While he was trying to get it done I felt like I could push. I told the nurse that was holding my hands and she said no don't push, they couldn't have a baby in the OR. The spinal got done and they said to hurry and get me on my back because the baby was coming. They tilted me back and I became numb very fast. Next thing I know there is a curtain being put right in my face. I am claustrophobic and have PTSD and told them all of this yet they continued to ignore me. I began to have a panic attack because I couldn't feel myself breathing due to the spinal and there was a blue curtain in my face making me panic even more, on top of the fact I was being strapped to a table to have my child ripped from my stomach. I had two doctors standing over me and tons of people around me. The anesthesiologist was rubbing my head and telling me it was okay. I did not realize I was crying so hard I was sobbing and gasping for air. He asked if I was okay and I told him no. He said well they just made the first cut, so you are doing okay. I did not feel them cut me. I as happy, as I had felt the cutting when I had my c section with Nik. I asked where Junior was, they sent for him and he came in after they had already gotten to the baby. He sat down next to me and tried to keep me calm. All of a sudden I felt as though someone jumped on my chest. I could not breathe, my chest felt heavy. I started panicking again. The anesthesiologist said he could give me something for anxiety as soon as they pulled the baby out. I started feeling all kinds of pulling and tugging on my insides, it hurt but not too bad. Until one of the doctors pushed so hard on the top of my uterus that it knocked the wind out of me. I screamed out loud and then my heart felt funny. I asked if it stopped and the guy at my head said it "hiccuped" for a minute, but it was back and I was okay. I was still crying an in so much pain I could hardly breathe. I felt them pull out my baby and then I heard her screaming. I heard everyone saying how huge she was. I looked at junior and asked him how big she was he said he didn't know. I was freaking out thinking she was 10 pounds or more. Turns out she was only 8 pounds 2 ounces and long and skinny. Her head was small too. So wtf? After I heard her weight the guy at my head gave me a shot of something for anxiety which made me go into a major blank stare. I remember them stitching and stapling me and counting tools, which one was left in me and they got it and all was counted for. Once they got the baby cleaned she got put in my face, I could hardly see her as my vision got very blurry. Then everything was stripped from me and I was being wheeled out. I was still crying but not as hard. As we were going own the hall, the nurse placed the baby on my chest for the ride. A couple of the other nurses got upset but they let her say on me and I got to touch her. She started sucking on my boob through the gown. Everyone was amazed by this. We got to recovery and I got to nurse her and hold her. I was in so much pain and they gave me a loretab. I did not understand why I wasn't getting any pain meds. I was still slightly numb around my hips and legs but I could feel my entire stomach. They were so rough with me I was internally bruised. I stayed in recovery for about 8 hours. I did not understand what was going on until I had another panic attack and the nurse came in saying she could not give me the drip yet because my heart rate would not go over 40 beats per minute. My blood pressure was so low sometimes it didn't even read on the monitor. I was getting ittle shots of things that made me loopy and just not care but the pain never went away or even got less.Around 1am I was given a drip of meds that actually got rid of my pain. At about 330 am I was put into my room. MY entire stay was a wreck. I coud not sleep due to panic attacks. I spent every moment loving on my beautiful baby and trying to accept what I had just gone through. I nursed her on demand and she was doing so good with nursing. I had some hope.
It has been 6 days since her birth and I have an infection, my incision site is not doing well and my pain is horrific. I have nightmares and I don't even have to be asleep to dream. I can be sitting here and all of a sudden I am taken back and feel like I am reliving it. I felt I would be okay because I was nursing her and that gave me a connection to her. But now she refuses to nurse. I have tried and tried and she will not take me. I can't even begin to tell you how I feel. I keep hearing to be happy that my baby is healthy. I AM happy she is healthy. But I can not get passed the fact that there was NO reason for her c section except that the doctor did not feel comfortable doing a vbac on me. I had two VBAC's after my first c section and all was fine. I would understand if I had been 3 or 4 cms an labor not going anywhere but my labor picked back up and was going fine! I feel so violated and no one understands. Everyone thinks I am stupid for how I feel. I am sorry. I am NOT okay with c sections. I am not okay with this pain. I have 8 kids to take care of and now am in bed a lot because I can hardly walk.
Junior and I were sure we were done with having babies but the thought of just one more was in my head. Just one, in a couple years. Now that is not possible. There is NO way I can have another baby unless I allow myself to be chopped up again. Ad I am not okay with that. I feel so empty and hurt. I wish someone understood me and everyone would stop telling me to just accept it. I am trying my best. I adore my children and junior and they keep me going. I just need some time. I wish people could respect that. Everyone thinks they know, but they don't. I pray no one ever knows this pain. I know there are other women who have gone through this. But no one here in my life understands. I am trying to keep quiet and smile and act like I am okay, but truth is, I am not okay. I have no on to blame but me for allowing myself to be lead in a direction I did not need to go. I birthed Juni on my own and did great. I could have done this birth too. I have no regrets in my life, until now. I do not like having regrets. I have all of this to live with and no one to understand me.

Octavia-Willow Penelope
8lbs 2oz
20 1/2 in

Tuesday, August 31, 2010


There is an ever growing trend today in birthing. So many women are giving into a c section for "emergency" reasons. Did you know that true emergencies are rare? Let me explain to you what an OB today considers an emergency, BEING LATE FOR TEE OFF, DINNER PRTY OR ANY OTHER THING S/HE HAS TO DO OTHER THAN WAIT ON YOUR BODY TO DO ITS JOB. Why not let the OB do it for you? It is faster and keeps a nice fat bank account for your OB. AAAAND, as long as your doc specifies it is an emergency, your INS will pay!!! Who can lose, right? Well let me first tell you, your baby is losing out. Our uteruses are made to contract, (squeeze the baby). Your vagina is made for the baby to exit your womb, this mode of exit is supposed to help get the amniotic fluid out of your babies lungs, and also help them take their first breath. Our bodies were created to birth our babies! Yet everyday millions of women submit to a c section thinking, "Oh, i can't dilate on my own", "My doctor said the baby was too big". LEt me dispell another myth for you. THE HUMAN FEMALE BODY WILL VERY RARELY CREATE A BABY TO BIG FOR HER BODY TO BIRTH!!! Wake up women! We are NOT broken! Women who do create very large babies often have an underlying health problem, such as diabetes or gestational diabetes. Therefore, these women NEED to be seeing an OB.
Home birth is not for everyone. That is not my point here.
MY point is, something needs to be done about these c section rates across the US. Women need INFORMED CONSENT. I want for you to look up informed consent. I want you to read something other than what to expect while you're expecting! Read some Ina May Gaskin. DO research on the web, your local OB's and hospitals. Do not take my word for it. Look at your c section rates for YOUR city. Women with a low risk pregnancy should stay home through most of labor. This helps minimize the amount of interventions that could occur. One intervention brings on another. Your amniotic sac does not HAVE to be ruptured by a doctor. It helps cushion the contractions and keeps your baby safe! Trust me, it will break when its time!
Im not going to sit here and type out a ton of stats or say home birth is the only way. I feel women should have a choice! BUt MOST women just blindly do what the OB says. Then when your baby is born not breathing well from all the drugs you took during labor, or has issues bonding after a c section, you will understand why.
It just stuns me how many women are okay with being cut open. I often hear the exact same excuse..."Failure to progress" or "baby was too big". If we are so uncapable of having babies on our own, the human race would have died out thousands of years ago. Oh my! What would we have done with out an OB there to yell at us to push, or tell us our bodies dont work right?
Women need to stop doing routine inductions, there is NO REASON for it!!! Unless mother or baby's lives are ind danger, lets make this common practice extinct! I want to see more women go into the OB's office knowing more than when their last period was! I challenge my fellow preggo moms to be proactive whe it comes to the care of their reproductive organs! Lets start a riot! A revolution!
I would love to hear your c section stories, stories on pissing off your OB, anything! Write me @

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Feeling so huge and exhausted

I had such a nice few days of energy and got a lot done around here. But the past two days I feel SO drained. I know it comes with the end of pregnancy, but there is still a lot to do. I will soon be able to do the nursery, and I was hoping to have it complete before the baby gets here. But between me, Junior and Steven, we only have so many hands to finish the extra room and switch rooms around. It is hard, but we can say we do almost everything on our own with no help. And once it is all done, we can marvel at the work we've done. It will feel good!
I have so much on my mind lately. I wish I could relax for a moment. I would like to be calm and relaxed before labor begins. But so much weighs on my brain anymore. I know things will be okay somehow.
Well not much of an update, more like just venting some lol. I hope this week is good for everyone!
And don't forget True Blood is tonight! After tonight only two epis left! ahhhh!!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

It's been a while

It has been over 4 months since my last entry. A lot has happened. I am now around 35 weeks pregnant and with my due date closing in I feel exhaused. I have everything ready for the birth. My birth kit is here an organized, the pool is ready to be set up and the add on room is almost half way done.
The baby is growing well and it shows lol. I feel like a small whale, but I know it will all be okay. I am getting small bursts of energy here and there and getting things done and prepared. I feel almost ready.
I was just laying here in bed, listening to the quiet and thought I needed to post.
I created this blog to share the day to day hapenings of a different kind of mom with a different kind of life. To give others some insight. And what happened? Life caught up with me and I became rather busy.
I will also be using this to document my labor and birth. So keep up with this page and I promise there will be updates and more to come.

I also wanted to talk about something I read in another moms blog the other day that is bothering me. This woman was blogging about what it means to be a mom and how important her identity was. She has one child. She also has a career which she feels should be what defines who she is. Really?? Here is what I think, if you have a child (or children), you are a MOM. I do not look at being a mom a downer. What is with these women and the need to try and be something else? Having a child is a huge step in life, one that is going to come with many titles sooooo, why fight it? I do many things in what spare time I have, but I certainly do not want any of those things to define more, because I am first and foremost a mom. Why do we have children?
I will tell you now, I LOVE being pregnant, I love labor and giving birth. I adore these little beings that I bring into this world! I would do it over and over if I knew I could. This is my last child and while I am trying to enjoy it, I have many trying to bring me down. It is okay though. This is human nature at work. When we do not understand someone or something, our instinct is to attack it. Some people find the neeed to belittle someone or something to make themself feel superior. When we see or hear of someone doing something different, we often have to justify what we are doing and find things wrong with what that person is doing so we feel okay with the choice we made. This cycle needs to stop. This is one point of my blog. I want to take you on a journey through the life of a family who does things very differently.
I hope you follow me, though I am slow at getting things going on here, I promise to give you some insight, some facts and a lot of my opinion.

Sunday, April 4, 2010


To be pregnant means so much more than just carrying a baby in your womb. It means sharing every fiber of your being with another. Another life lives because you live, it breathes because you breathe. Everything you do effects certain aspects of your pregnancy. The choices you make daily as to what you eat (can you hold it down?), what you drink (does it have too much sugar or caffine?), how much exercise you get (to help prevent high BP and diabetes issues)...there is so much to think about. I feel this baby moving around inside of me and I ask myself if I am doing everything I can to give him or her the best start in life. Being pregnant really brings a whole new perspective to your own mortality. It makes you more careful of things you do on a daily basis. When I rest and am asked what I did today, I tell whomever asked me, that I am making a baby, what did you do today? My entire body is working triple time to grow this amazing being and prepare for the journey of bringing him or her earthside. I sometimes overlook things in my home to make sure that my kids are happy and I am well rested, but often find myself upset because then my house is a mess. I work and go to school (while online and now only ONE school as opposed to three lol as I graduated from one and am on suspension from the other, long story) take care of 7 other kids and a house. I often feel my time is so limited. There is so much a woman goes through in her life that men do not often understand.
I try my best to do everything I possibly can to make everyone happy, but tend to find I am not as happy as I would like to be. I know there are other women reading this that can relate. So I ask you, how did (or do) you deal with the pregnancy hormones and the normal day to day stress of being a mom (if you already have babies) or the stress of marriage, bills...and everything else that piles upon us? Reply to this blog with your tips on relaxing and finding time for you.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010


I found a midwife who will attend my birth. One who has tons of experience and will not cower in a corner just because I am a VBAC (x3). I truly enjoyed meeting with her. She even had a laboring mom come in. The energy was outstanding. I feel good about this birth. This MW will come to my home for the birth. Over an hour and a half drive!! I was floored when she said yes!

She found the baby's HB for a moment. You could hear the baby moving to get away from the dop. lol

Well all is well thus far!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The beginning

Let me introduce myself, I am a 32 year old mother of seven amazing children and I am currently almost 13 weeks pregnant with baby number eight.
I get so many comments and questions about my choice of family size as well as my birthing choices that I have decided to start a blog, quite like the rest of the world (lol).
My birthing history is one filled with births almost every way you can think of. I have been induced three times, had one crash c section (yes this is worse than the typical emergency c section), I have had one VBAC and my last baby, I birthed in a pool in the middle of my living room with just my husband, my children and I there.
I have so much to say and hope this blog reaches other moms to be or even other women who have gone through a "birth rape".
I was recently "fired" from the sOB I was seeing due to my birth choices. I was hoping this time that I could have someone attend my birth. Not because I am afraid of doing it alone (that was the mos amazing thing I have ever experienced in my life!!) but due to the ignorance and often plain stupidity of people and the Obstetric community. I won't get on my soap box, yet, but I will say that the city I live in here in Florida, has a horrifically high c section rate and two hospitals that do not do VBAC's often. I know there are more out there who have heard the sure you can VBAC, we will do a trial of labor, and see what happens" only to be bullied into a repeat c section. First off let me say, this surgery is a MAJOR surgery and should be reserved for true emergencies. And Mr. and Mrs. OB/GYN a true emergency is NOT failure to progress, this is just failure to WAIT on your part, it is also NOT just because we had a previous c section, or we are fat, or might have a big baby. For one true CPD (cephelopelvic disproportion) is RARE.

Now, when I tried to have my first VBAC (and I DID) I told a doctor that women have been giving birth since the dawn of man and it worked then, why all of a sudden in the past couple of decades do we have so many women who can't birth naturally? He said many women died back in the day and now we have c sections, thank god, to help these poor women. Yeah, again, let me inform you...back in the day, there were two classes of women who had a higher death, being the very poor and the very rich (such as royalty). The reason the very poor women died during or shortly after childbirth was because they were over worked and underfed, making them weak and unable to recover from the birth. The rich women would encounter problems getting the baby out (CPD??). This would often cause a c section which always resulted in he death of the mother to save the heir to the throne. Why did these women have problems getting the baby out? Well these women were forced to wear corsets from about age 12, while the pelvis was still growing. This would cause an abnormal growth in their pelvis' and often (though not always) make giving birth to a normal healthy sized baby almost impossible.
When I told the sOB this he just picked his mouth up off the floor and walked out. Needless to say I got my VBAC.

I go tomorrow to a birth cottage in hopes of finding some help. But let me tell you that if I do not get help, this will not stop me from having another UC. I know I can do this myself. I will not put the baby or I in danger. This is another thing I need people to understand. Women like me who chose to birth at home do not just sit up one day and go "err duh I wanna home birth" and then not do tons of research and get support from other women. I have done 4 years of research thus far just on the VBAC and UBAC topics. Not to mention the tons of research I did in the last 16 years on the topic of pregnancy and birth. I have attended a few births as well. I am aware of warning signs of emergencies and live close to a hospital.

I feel it is so important for women to come together and stand against the bullies of the medical community. A woman should be able to birth wherever she chooses! I feel as long as a woman has a healthy low risk pregnancy, she should be able to have a home birth without any stress from the medical community. I also feel that a c section should not automatically make a woman a high risk! That is unfair! Perhaps the reason a woman had a c section to begin with should be looked at first, THEN go from there. If a woman has a c section due to failure to progress, that is a bullshit reason and should be struck from the board.

Lets, for one moment, touch upon the topic of uterine rupture. This seems to be a huge cause for concern when it comes to having a VBAC. Here...let the facts speak... click on everything on this site. If you are not the type to go by what you read from one site, as am I, here is some more for your reading pleasure...

I have tons of sites saved on this pc, but I challenge YOU to do your own research and see for yourself what is really going on.

My c section was due to a cord prolapse CAUSED BY THE sOB! She dug her fingers around in there and poked around so much she caused my cord to come out! She pushed on my baby's head and forced his head up and the cord flushed out. I was fine and laboring fairly fast without any "help" from her.

I am passionate about birth and about women's rights when it comes to birthing and breastfeeding.

I am going to end this here for now.

I am going to keep up with this blog and update at least weekly, so please join my blog and keep up with my journey. I am also looking for women to share their stories of birth rape and VBAC's and UBAC's. I am working on a book about free birth and the problems caused by c sections.

Take care all and keep checking in!

P/S- I just realized I am writing this blog on the 4th anniversary of my c section.