Saturday, October 30, 2010

I am broken

I have come to the conclusion that I am broken. I am stopping breastfeeding tonight. I am just not enough for Octavia. I had this problem with Nik as well. So 2 of my 8 kids will not be breastfed. I just don't work right after a traumatic experience. I am so sad inside and this just adds to it. This is all messing with my mind so bad. I am trying to not blame myself but I keep running out of reasons why this whole thing isn't my fault. I just should not have called the midwife when I did. I should have waited a few hours. That was my origonal plan. But I really did not think she would make it to the birth because once my water broke things got harder and faster. I am so sad that I feel this way, but I can't help it. I try to keep my mind busy but it does't always work. To know I will never experience any of this again is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. It hurts so bad inside that sometimes I can not breathe. To feel like you are just not good enough, not enough for anyone, not my baby, not any man, it just hurts. I am working through this best I can. I try to numb myself, but some of this gets through. Hence this blog.
Will I ever be good enough?

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