so sad inside

I has been 11 days since Octavia was born and I find myself crying once again. I haven't slept well at all since she was born. I have nightmares and panic attacks and as if that was not bad enough, I have been running a low grade fever since the night I came home from the hospital. I m trying my best to deal and fight off the depression and panic attacks. I am surounded by these amazing little people and I find my happiness in them. As long as I stay busy, keep my mind busy as well as my body I stay distracted. But at night when the house is quiet...I have thoughts. I just wonder what I have done so bad to deserve this pain. My sister told me (and several other people) that I am a bad person and I do bad things so that is why I am miserable. I know I am not perfect but I keep to myself. I do my best to raise my children to be good people, and to keep them unaffected by this cruel world. It is my job to protect them from harm. I keep them home and home school them and teach them all I know and more. I take them places and show them nature and teach them how to find the beauty in this world. But so many people have this screwed up view of me and family because we are different. I have such deep seeded beliefs and I can't go against how I feel and what I feel is right for us. I am always being judged and I reserve judgement of others. Right now when I need certain people the most, they avoid me. I know it is probably due to fear of saying something to set me off or hurt my feelings. What I need right now is not words, but just the presence of others. I don't need to hear I need to be thankful for a healthy baby, as if I wasn't. I also do not expect others to understand how I feel. I would not wish this feeling off on anyone. I am happy for the women out there that can have a c section and be okay. I often wonder why any woman would do one without an emergency, but it is that womans choice. It was MY choice, my wish, my dream, to have my last baby in the bed in which she was created and that was taken away from me bcause of one doctors ignorance! My risk of uterine rupture was pretty much zero! As I was almost fully dilated. Labor was over, I was in transition. I was better able to get passed Nik's birth because he could have died. It was a true emergency. While I got PTSD with his birth, it was due to anesthesia failure, or what one doctor told me was anesthesia awareness. I was diagnosed by several doctors/therapists with PTSD. I was drugged up and that was the "cure". I could not deal with being so tired amd having 5 kids to care for at the time. So I took myself off of the medications and found EFT through a dear friend of mine and found some healing. Then Gryffen's birth healed me. Having Juniper at home made it even better. By that time I was able to talk about Nik's birth without having any issues. I still had triggers, like the couple of times I had to go see an OB before my pregnancy with Octavia due to having two miscarriages back to back and then confirming my pregnancy with Octavia. But I was doing great and then found Midwives to take this birth. I was so happy. I finally trusted again. And now I am back to square one. If you can even call it that as I have taken ten steps back. There can be no heaing birth this time. No one will take me on having a c section and no vbac. I would have to do UC all the way. And Junior doesn't want me to have to go through all of this again. So here I am, done. I feel like a huge part of my life is over, like it just died. I can not even justify it. I can't say one of us would have died, so it had to be done, I can't say it was for the best. I can say nothing. I feel like a huge hole was ripped in me (well one was literally ripped in me I guess). But something will always be missing now. No pill, no therapy will ever help make it better. These OB's need to see what they do to women. I am not the only one. I found so many groups online of women whose stories sound just like mine. As if the only thing changed was the names. At least I found some people online that understand me. It would just make things better if someone in my life understood. Maybe I would not feel so emotionally retarded.