Got test results!!!

Our baby has all of her proper chromosomes and no extras!! She is going to be just fine!! So for mommies out there who have a couple of markers show up on an ultra sound....don't give up hope. That was the most grueling wait of my life...but so happy to know our baby is okay in there! We worry. We are moms. We want our babies to be perfect so hearing something isn't right...is hard to handle. They are going to keep an eye on her cyst but are confident that it will clear up!

The Waiting game

Well today marks the 7 day time frame for my test results on the baby. Of course it could be as late as the end of the week before we find out. It's the wait that gets to me. Then there are the nightmares of her being born with so much wrong. I am terrified. I want her to be okay. My heart aches. The pain of not knowing if she is okay... All of the what ifs...i try so hard to shut them off but they scream at me. I need to know either way, so i can prepare my self. I know my doctor is busy and there are other moms, possibly in worse situations than i find myself at this very moment. So i am trying my best to be patient. But any mother knows that when it comes to the health and well being of our babies , worrying is just part of it. I will post more when i know more. Until then...

Not so good news...

On Monday we had our level two ultra sound. The baby, a girl, perfect in every way. However, a cyst on her brain and a thick neuchal fold suggest possible trisomy 18 or 21. I got the free cell dna blood test done to check the baby's chromosomes. We should know more by the 23rd. My heart is breaking. I am filled with worry. I have read up on things and found some stories that give me hope. But still...as a mother...i worry. I will post updates as i know more. We are now half way through the pregnancy. I feel her moving...i love her so much. I just want her to be healthy. Trying to stay as busy as i can so i don't go mad. I have nightmares of how she will look. I wish there was a way to make time go faster...just to get me to the 23rd.

A new addition coming soon!!!

Well...we are expecting another baby to add to the tribe! Due dec 1st!
I got sick about a week and a half after my last AF. Seriously had no idea i could be pregnant. But here i am 10w2d today! It's going to be an adventure. Trying to find an OB who will allow me to VBA2C has been hard. Wanted another homebirth but here in florida there is no one :(  i will be documenting our journey. Stay tuned.

Parenthood...it's not for the faint of heart

My world is lonely. Have you any idea what it is like dealing with an autistic child that also has epilepsy? It's  a double whammy. The things i deal with on a daily basis is pure HELL. Trying to get help for him. It's  impossible. Wait lists galore. I do this mostly alone. No one wants to come around him because they don't  understand. He has broke everything i worked to buy. Because he has this horrific meltdowns. I can't  even imagine what it's  like inside of his  mind. I often feel abandoned. Who do i talk to? I have called every place possible. When i say i have...trust me...i have. Every program...waiting list. Idk what else to do. I feel like a failure as a parent because i have a broken child. I do not speak of  it often.  Maybe that's  my problem. Maybe i should start blogging our daily life. I have never felt so alone and helpless in my life. But i refuse to give up on him. My heart is broken. I want answers and am always left with more questions. Do you have any clue what this is like????

So this is a post i put out on my fb. I want to spread more about this. My son,Nik, is not a bad child. He is broken. I hate using that word...but literally his brain is broken. He has right side brain damage and his brain fires off every few seconds. It shouldn't. He is moody...he has terrible meltdowns. This has literally been since the moment he was born. He will be 9 on the 30th. We have so many questions and very few answers. My child should not be another statistic. Having meds shoved down his throat and us left alone to 'deal with it'. I see a boy who wants to see the world and touch it with his soul but is bound  by a label.  As a mother i feel i am not doing enough. Even though i am falling apart i try so hard to keep it sealed. Doing this is slowly destroying me. I am going  to start posting  about our daily life. I keep starting this blog and get overwhelmed but i need to do this. There have to be other parents out there that understand.