Sunday, October 31, 2010

4 weeks

Octavia is growing so fast! She is already smiling at us. It has been almost 24 hours since I stopped nursing her. I am still sad, but she seems to be happier, so that is all that matters.
I go tomorrow to apply at a local nursing home to work as a CNA. Cross your fingers, I need this job. Junior and Steven have been trying to get a job and there is nothing here. I am hoping I stand a chance, since most things require specail training and such.

Well our paranormal group is getting a start as well. This is exciting to us. We got time on the radio and will have 2 articles written about us. Tonight we take a local radio host with us on an investigation.

I hope everyone is having a happy halloween.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

I am broken

I have come to the conclusion that I am broken. I am stopping breastfeeding tonight. I am just not enough for Octavia. I had this problem with Nik as well. So 2 of my 8 kids will not be breastfed. I just don't work right after a traumatic experience. I am so sad inside and this just adds to it. This is all messing with my mind so bad. I am trying to not blame myself but I keep running out of reasons why this whole thing isn't my fault. I just should not have called the midwife when I did. I should have waited a few hours. That was my origonal plan. But I really did not think she would make it to the birth because once my water broke things got harder and faster. I am so sad that I feel this way, but I can't help it. I try to keep my mind busy but it does't always work. To know I will never experience any of this again is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. It hurts so bad inside that sometimes I can not breathe. To feel like you are just not good enough, not enough for anyone, not my baby, not any man, it just hurts. I am working through this best I can. I try to numb myself, but some of this gets through. Hence this blog.
Will I ever be good enough?

So it turns out I m not crazy...

If you have time, you should read this in its entirety. click me
Makes me feel better to know I am not insane and what I am feeling is normal and happens more than people know.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

so life is happening all of a sudden

And out of no where thing have just exploded. Some bad but finally some good as well. Tomorrow morning we will be guests on our local radio station with our group PCPG (Panama City Paranormal Group). We get to talk about investigations and hopefully get the word out. We have no idea what direction this will go in. It could do nothing and we go back to life as usual. OR we could get more calls and investigaions. Who knows where that road will lead. All I do know is something has to give. Our whole group has been going through some real shitty times. (as most of you are as well). And things have sucked. We are also getting one article written about us and possibly another article if all goes well. We all need something to go good for us and something tells me things will turn around for us. I have to have that hope. Because we have had so many things go wrong it is like we are just experiencing one huge series of unfortunate events. If I even begun to tell all of you what we have been through you wouldn't believe it, but really, you can't even make this shit up!

Well, if you want to hear us tomorrow morning go to we should be live. I will post an update if need be.

life with boys...

Is so much different than girls. I have 3 and 4 year old boys and let me tell you I am playing referee almost daily. And if we are not breaking up fights, we are wiping doodle art off the walls. And if we are not doing that, they manage to keep us busy climbing on things and jumping off playing dare devil. My older two boys are past that stage, however, they are dirty lol. Boys are so much different than little girls. It is like two totally different experiences. My girls potty trained fairly easy, yet my boys took their time. I am still working on one of them, while my girl who is a year and a half younger is already showing signs of being ready. I think we start out this way. Seriously, if you research about conception and such you will find boy sperm swim faster and die faster, however, girl sperm swim slower and live longer. Its as though we are two different species all together. Don't get me wrong, I adore my boys! And my girls have drama lol. But it is so amazing watching how different they all are. Having 8 children I get to watch each of them, with their little personalities, blossom into awesome people. I just have a hard time with my boys lol. If they could learn to chillax and stop peeing everywhere but IN the toilet it would be awesome! :-)
I can't help but look at these kids that Junior and I have helped bring into the world and just be in complete awe. Every single one of these kids have something special to contribute to this world. Sometimes I just sit here and watch them and in the moments they are helping each other, watching tv together or just being cute, find such peace and happiness. It's almost like the only peace I find in this world. I look at them and am filled with happiness because I get to be a part of who they are, who they become even.
So I will trade my days of partying and hanging out and being able to just take off without searching for a sitter, for the fighting, the peeing all over my bathroom which I have to clean several times a week and even the dare devil acts, if it means I get to be there for all the moments in between.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

week 3

So I've grown fond of doing weekly updates. It gives me something to look back on and something for my kids to read one day.

Octavia is doing good. She is the fussiest baby yet lol. It is mostly around 8pm. I think she has a touch of colic. I swear I should weigh like 80 pounds as much as I am on my feet. I have been getting around more. It feels like my stomach is being torn when I am on my feet for a while but I am managing best I can. My scar looks a lot better than it did and the part that ripped has closed better. So I am hoping it has healed inside since the OB said it can take months for that to heal properly. I am just trying to get past the pain. Emotionally I am trying to hide everything. I am doing better at not breaking down in front of everyone. I have been going to the bathroom and hiding so Junior doesn't see me cry so much.
I know eventually things will get better, but I need time, some more time.
All of the kids are doing so good. Just wish time would slow up a bit lol. I am taking pictures of all of them this week. Gotta work on Christmas cards.
Our extra room is almost done. Things have just been non stop since Octavia was born and we have had tons of appts, trips out of town and even have a planned field trip for the older kids coming up so we are working on it as we can.
I am also thinking of starting a donation fund for my CNA. Seriously. I need to come up with 675$ for the class, plus 75 for my cpr cert and 75 for first aid. I am calling tomorrow to get full details on the dates for the classes but I really need to do this. I have a job waiting on me to get my CNA. It pays good! Soooo...I might be taking donations lol if anyone has extra money and feels kind and giving...

Well, not much else going on right now. I have a 3 week pic of miss Octavia of course. I hope everyone's week is great. Make sure to bookmark me and keep up with my busy life.

Daddy's hands make her look so tiny lol

Monday, October 18, 2010

The boy's appt

So we got up at 5am ad drove to Pensacola for Chris and Nik's neurology appointments. Nik is now on something to stabilize his moods. Nik has brain damage on the right side and since they used foreceps during his crash c section they feel that is what it is from since nothing of the such runs in our families. Every 6 seconds he has seizure activity. He has severe headaches and seizures and all of this going on in his little brain all at once really causes issues for him. So he gets moody and it is rough on him. I am thankful they have decided to try something to help him. It really hurts us not to be able to make him feel better. Everything else is going great with Nik. He is doing well with schooling and is so smart! Now we are happy to be starting the new meds and see how it helps him through the day.
Then Chris' doctor came in and told us that Chris has a rare metabolic disorder that had a bad prognosis. He reordered all the blood work and left the room. I tried my hardest to not breakdown. I know what the kreb cycle is and how it works from my pre med classes I was in a while back. I knew that if could not get this under control his life span would be shortened by a lot. Well we go to leave and the doctor calls us back in. By this point I am a wreck inside. With everything from Octavia's birth I'm already screwed in my head. This just made my brain totally fart and shut down. Well we go in to see him again ad he asks for the blood work order. He takes it back and begins to apologize to us for the mistake. They just started a new record keeping program and some of the charts got combined and/or messed up. I started to tear up from relief. I really thought I was going to choke him for scaring me like that! But I can't blame him completely. So, we are about to leave and Junior looks at Chri's prescription papers and they have some other kid's name on them. Some little 2 year old. Then it hit us, that is the kid whose chart got mixed in with Chris'. Now all day all I've been able to do is feel so bad for this little child and his family who will be getting the news their child has a severe metabolicdisease and his little life that has just begun might not be very long. But I am glad Chris is okay. We know he has some risidual damage from having meningitis and we are taking care of him.
Overall it was a great appointment. We don't have to go back til mid January.

Well I am off to feed the booby monster. She has been asleep since almost 3pm and it is now a quarter to 7 and my boobs are gonna explode lol

more to come...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

week: 2

I can't believe it has been two weeks already. This is the part I hate. How time just flies by with no care or concern for your feelings. Octavia has really changed my life on so many levels. She is my last baby. Everything I experienced with her is what I will always remember. Every single one of my kids have taught me something and Octavi taught me to never trust anyone, no matter what. I feel in a way she was affected by our birthing experience. Sometimes when she is staring at me, I can see it in her eyes. Sometimes I feel as though she is trying to tell me something.
If I have learned anything from all of my births, it is that only I know my body and what it is capable of, and I do not need validation. I know when I am sick, I know when something is not right and I know how to birth my babies. I just wish I had this knowladge when I had my first baby. So all of my children would have had peaceful amazing births like Juniper did.
Octavia is nursing good and is now 8lbs 9oz. We go for her two week check up on the 21st.
I don't have much else to say except the emotional wound is still pretty raw and I am dealing with it one day at a time.
Here is Octavia at 2 weeks (taken this afternoon)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

so sad inside

I has been 11 days since Octavia was born and I find myself crying once again. I haven't slept well at all since she was born. I have nightmares and panic attacks and as if that was not bad enough, I have been running a low grade fever since the night I came home from the hospital. I m trying my best to deal and fight off the depression and panic attacks. I am surounded by these amazing little people and I find my happiness in them. As long as I stay busy, keep my mind busy as well as my body I stay distracted. But at night when the house is quiet...I have thoughts. I just wonder what I have done so bad to deserve this pain. My sister told me (and several other people) that I am a bad person and I do bad things so that is why I am miserable. I know I am not perfect but I keep to myself. I do my best to raise my children to be good people, and to keep them unaffected by this cruel world. It is my job to protect them from harm. I keep them home and home school them and teach them all I know and more. I take them places and show them nature and teach them how to find the beauty in this world. But so many people have this screwed up view of me and family because we are different. I have such deep seeded beliefs and I can't go against how I feel and what I feel is right for us. I am always being judged and I reserve judgement of others. Right now when I need certain people the most, they avoid me. I know it is probably due to fear of saying something to set me off or hurt my feelings. What I need right now is not words, but just the presence of others. I don't need to hear I need to be thankful for a healthy baby, as if I wasn't. I also do not expect others to understand how I feel. I would not wish this feeling off on anyone. I am happy for the women out there that can have a c section and be okay. I often wonder why any woman would do one without an emergency, but it is that womans choice. It was MY choice, my wish, my dream, to have my last baby in the bed in which she was created and that was taken away from me bcause of one doctors ignorance! My risk of uterine rupture was pretty much zero! As I was almost fully dilated. Labor was over, I was in transition. I was better able to get passed Nik's birth because he could have died. It was a true emergency. While I got PTSD with his birth, it was due to anesthesia failure, or what one doctor told me was anesthesia awareness. I was diagnosed by several doctors/therapists with PTSD. I was drugged up and that was the "cure". I could not deal with being so tired amd having 5 kids to care for at the time. So I took myself off of the medications and found EFT through a dear friend of mine and found some healing. Then Gryffen's birth healed me. Having Juniper at home made it even better. By that time I was able to talk about Nik's birth without having any issues. I still had triggers, like the couple of times I had to go see an OB before my pregnancy with Octavia due to having two miscarriages back to back and then confirming my pregnancy with Octavia. But I was doing great and then found Midwives to take this birth. I was so happy. I finally trusted again. And now I am back to square one. If you can even call it that as I have taken ten steps back. There can be no heaing birth this time. No one will take me on having a c section and no vbac. I would have to do UC all the way. And Junior doesn't want me to have to go through all of this again. So here I am, done. I feel like a huge part of my life is over, like it just died. I can not even justify it. I can't say one of us would have died, so it had to be done, I can't say it was for the best. I can say nothing. I feel like a huge hole was ripped in me (well one was literally ripped in me I guess). But something will always be missing now. No pill, no therapy will ever help make it better. These OB's need to see what they do to women. I am not the only one. I found so many groups online of women whose stories sound just like mine. As if the only thing changed was the names. At least I found some people online that understand me. It would just make things better if someone in my life understood. Maybe I would not feel so emotionally retarded.

Monday, October 11, 2010

week 1

It has been one week since Octavia entered my life. All of the chaos, pain, heartache and her. The silver lining so-to-speak. She continues to amaze me. The fact I am now a mother of 8 also amazes me. It is so hard to believe I have brought 8 lives into this world. Each with their own special qualities and personalities. Each of them make up the puzzle that is me. Despite the hell I endured to get Octavia earth side, I am thankful for her existence. I am grateful for her. I am doing my best to get through the pain and the hurt. I know it is going to take time but I am hoping that one day I will be okay again.
If I have learned anything being a mother for the past almost 16 years, it is that you can not plan anything, because no matter how meticulous you are, no matter ow careful, something will always come up. New challenges present themselves everyday. I swear I am tested at least weekly. Usually more. It isn't what you go through, it is how you get through it. I am trying to come out of all of this a wiser and more mature being. If I can learn something to pass on to my children I will feel like I have achieved something. It is after 2 am and as I await Octavia's cries (which are starting now) I wonder what the next challenge will be. I wonder what is in store for today. What will I be able to accomplish today? If I can manage to walk around the house I will be doing good. I am healing, slowly, but I am healing. On the outside at least. I will work on the inside as well.
I am being beckoned for a feeding.
More to come...

Saturday, October 9, 2010

I became a statistic

Here is the story of Octavia-Willow Penelope's surgical birth...

On Friday, October 1st, I began having stronger than usual contractions. I became excited and thought for sure this was it. We were up all hours of the night watching my contractions get stronger and closer together only to watch them fizzle out around sun up. Saturday went by and I had a contraction here and there for most of the day. I noticed they became stronger, but not closer together. Around 7 pm that evening they kicked in full force. I was having good contractions ever ten minutes or so. These began to become painful in my lower back and hips. I tried to ignore them as I only thought they would die back down as they had before. At about midnight they were coming about every 7-ish minutes. In the back of my mind I thought this could be it, but did not want to become too hopeful. At about 3 am I told Junior that maybe we should just go on to bed. He asked what I thought we should do and I said we could just put Juni to bed and we could go on to bed and see what happens. He started gathering everything to get Juni in bed and for us to settle down for the night. I had a really hard contraction that took my breath away and hurt really bad. I told him I was so bummed that my body kept trying to start labor only to stop. This was about 330 am. I went to stand up and got another very hard contraction that made me cry out a little. I stayed sitting until it was over and felt this need to stand up right away. So I stood up and felt a weird sensation, like this pulling inside of me. I then felt what I thought was a trickle go down my legs. I told Junior I thought my water just broke. He came over and bent down and put his hand between my knees to feel an right when he did my water gushed all over and splashed him, the bed ad the floor. It just kept coming out. We got the garbage bags and towels and placed them under where I was standing and I made a huge puddle. I had Junior sweep for the cord and we found everything was good to go. He called he midwife and she said to check the heart beat an her mom would be on the way. So we checked the heart beat, it was strong and beautiful. The baby was still squirming around and settling in.
My contractions got hard and intense very quickly. I was sure the midwife would not make it in time as she had an almost 2 hour drive to make. Little did I know just how wrong I was.
Time seemed to fly. The midwife arrived around 630 am or so. Time was pretty foggy to me. She set up and checked me and found me to be about 6-7 cm's and the baby was still kind of high. This is norma for me as I have had so many babies. Mine usually do not get into the pelvis until I am around 9-10 cms and ready to push. I wasn't too worried at this point. However, I continued to labor and it stayed intense for a while then slowed down. I did that with Juni so I didn't think anything of it. Around noon the midwife checked me again and I was still about 7 cm's. While I wasn't too worried I noticed some worry in the midwife about my progress. This made me regret having an assisted birth, but I tried to remain positive. I walked and showered and labored for almost 2 more hours and when I was checked I was still at a 7. The midwife said that it might be time to think about transferring. I was so lost and upset and blame no one but me because I did not fight harder. So we grabbed a few items we knew we would need for the hospital and we headed out. I cried the whole way there. Still contracting. We arrived to the hospital and got upstairs and checked in. We went over everything with the nurses, the midwife gave all my info and they checked me. I was still about a 6-7 and baby was still high. They let me labor for an hour and checked again, I was 8 cm's and the baby came down into my pelvis more. I started feeling pressure with each contraction but kept quiet and hoped I could labor more. After a litte less than an hour I was checked again and at 9cm's. The on call OB was in a c section at the time so they let me labor more. I kept feeling a stronger kind of pressure with each contracion. The nurse came in and checked again and I was 9 and a half with a little cervix left and baby was a little high but not as high as she was. I told them I felt pressure and they said they were going to go get the doctor and talk to him. The nurse was gone a few short minutes and came in and said no VBAC, he would not do it because he did not feel comfortable doing one. I told them that I felt like I could push, they said no, I had to have a c section. I was so floored and shocked, my brain literaly stopped. I just could not think straight. Looking back I feel I should have just pushed anyways.
I was wheeled back to OR to be prepped. I was getting a spinal. This took 3 tries to do. While he was trying to get it done I felt like I could push. I told the nurse that was holding my hands and she said no don't push, they couldn't have a baby in the OR. The spinal got done and they said to hurry and get me on my back because the baby was coming. They tilted me back and I became numb very fast. Next thing I know there is a curtain being put right in my face. I am claustrophobic and have PTSD and told them all of this yet they continued to ignore me. I began to have a panic attack because I couldn't feel myself breathing due to the spinal and there was a blue curtain in my face making me panic even more, on top of the fact I was being strapped to a table to have my child ripped from my stomach. I had two doctors standing over me and tons of people around me. The anesthesiologist was rubbing my head and telling me it was okay. I did not realize I was crying so hard I was sobbing and gasping for air. He asked if I was okay and I told him no. He said well they just made the first cut, so you are doing okay. I did not feel them cut me. I as happy, as I had felt the cutting when I had my c section with Nik. I asked where Junior was, they sent for him and he came in after they had already gotten to the baby. He sat down next to me and tried to keep me calm. All of a sudden I felt as though someone jumped on my chest. I could not breathe, my chest felt heavy. I started panicking again. The anesthesiologist said he could give me something for anxiety as soon as they pulled the baby out. I started feeling all kinds of pulling and tugging on my insides, it hurt but not too bad. Until one of the doctors pushed so hard on the top of my uterus that it knocked the wind out of me. I screamed out loud and then my heart felt funny. I asked if it stopped and the guy at my head said it "hiccuped" for a minute, but it was back and I was okay. I was still crying an in so much pain I could hardly breathe. I felt them pull out my baby and then I heard her screaming. I heard everyone saying how huge she was. I looked at junior and asked him how big she was he said he didn't know. I was freaking out thinking she was 10 pounds or more. Turns out she was only 8 pounds 2 ounces and long and skinny. Her head was small too. So wtf? After I heard her weight the guy at my head gave me a shot of something for anxiety which made me go into a major blank stare. I remember them stitching and stapling me and counting tools, which one was left in me and they got it and all was counted for. Once they got the baby cleaned she got put in my face, I could hardly see her as my vision got very blurry. Then everything was stripped from me and I was being wheeled out. I was still crying but not as hard. As we were going own the hall, the nurse placed the baby on my chest for the ride. A couple of the other nurses got upset but they let her say on me and I got to touch her. She started sucking on my boob through the gown. Everyone was amazed by this. We got to recovery and I got to nurse her and hold her. I was in so much pain and they gave me a loretab. I did not understand why I wasn't getting any pain meds. I was still slightly numb around my hips and legs but I could feel my entire stomach. They were so rough with me I was internally bruised. I stayed in recovery for about 8 hours. I did not understand what was going on until I had another panic attack and the nurse came in saying she could not give me the drip yet because my heart rate would not go over 40 beats per minute. My blood pressure was so low sometimes it didn't even read on the monitor. I was getting ittle shots of things that made me loopy and just not care but the pain never went away or even got less.Around 1am I was given a drip of meds that actually got rid of my pain. At about 330 am I was put into my room. MY entire stay was a wreck. I coud not sleep due to panic attacks. I spent every moment loving on my beautiful baby and trying to accept what I had just gone through. I nursed her on demand and she was doing so good with nursing. I had some hope.
It has been 6 days since her birth and I have an infection, my incision site is not doing well and my pain is horrific. I have nightmares and I don't even have to be asleep to dream. I can be sitting here and all of a sudden I am taken back and feel like I am reliving it. I felt I would be okay because I was nursing her and that gave me a connection to her. But now she refuses to nurse. I have tried and tried and she will not take me. I can't even begin to tell you how I feel. I keep hearing to be happy that my baby is healthy. I AM happy she is healthy. But I can not get passed the fact that there was NO reason for her c section except that the doctor did not feel comfortable doing a vbac on me. I had two VBAC's after my first c section and all was fine. I would understand if I had been 3 or 4 cms an labor not going anywhere but my labor picked back up and was going fine! I feel so violated and no one understands. Everyone thinks I am stupid for how I feel. I am sorry. I am NOT okay with c sections. I am not okay with this pain. I have 8 kids to take care of and now am in bed a lot because I can hardly walk.
Junior and I were sure we were done with having babies but the thought of just one more was in my head. Just one, in a couple years. Now that is not possible. There is NO way I can have another baby unless I allow myself to be chopped up again. Ad I am not okay with that. I feel so empty and hurt. I wish someone understood me and everyone would stop telling me to just accept it. I am trying my best. I adore my children and junior and they keep me going. I just need some time. I wish people could respect that. Everyone thinks they know, but they don't. I pray no one ever knows this pain. I know there are other women who have gone through this. But no one here in my life understands. I am trying to keep quiet and smile and act like I am okay, but truth is, I am not okay. I have no on to blame but me for allowing myself to be lead in a direction I did not need to go. I birthed Juni on my own and did great. I could have done this birth too. I have no regrets in my life, until now. I do not like having regrets. I have all of this to live with and no one to understand me.

Octavia-Willow Penelope
8lbs 2oz
20 1/2 in