I became a statistic

Here is the story of Octavia-Willow Penelope's surgical birth...

On Friday, October 1st, I began having stronger than usual contractions. I became excited and thought for sure this was it. We were up all hours of the night watching my contractions get stronger and closer together only to watch them fizzle out around sun up. Saturday went by and I had a contraction here and there for most of the day. I noticed they became stronger, but not closer together. Around 7 pm that evening they kicked in full force. I was having good contractions ever ten minutes or so. These began to become painful in my lower back and hips. I tried to ignore them as I only thought they would die back down as they had before. At about midnight they were coming about every 7-ish minutes. In the back of my mind I thought this could be it, but did not want to become too hopeful. At about 3 am I told Junior that maybe we should just go on to bed. He asked what I thought we should do and I said we could just put Juni to bed and we could go on to bed and see what happens. He started gathering everything to get Juni in bed and for us to settle down for the night. I had a really hard contraction that took my breath away and hurt really bad. I told him I was so bummed that my body kept trying to start labor only to stop. This was about 330 am. I went to stand up and got another very hard contraction that made me cry out a little. I stayed sitting until it was over and felt this need to stand up right away. So I stood up and felt a weird sensation, like this pulling inside of me. I then felt what I thought was a trickle go down my legs. I told Junior I thought my water just broke. He came over and bent down and put his hand between my knees to feel an right when he did my water gushed all over and splashed him, the bed ad the floor. It just kept coming out. We got the garbage bags and towels and placed them under where I was standing and I made a huge puddle. I had Junior sweep for the cord and we found everything was good to go. He called he midwife and she said to check the heart beat an her mom would be on the way. So we checked the heart beat, it was strong and beautiful. The baby was still squirming around and settling in.
My contractions got hard and intense very quickly. I was sure the midwife would not make it in time as she had an almost 2 hour drive to make. Little did I know just how wrong I was.
Time seemed to fly. The midwife arrived around 630 am or so. Time was pretty foggy to me. She set up and checked me and found me to be about 6-7 cm's and the baby was still kind of high. This is norma for me as I have had so many babies. Mine usually do not get into the pelvis until I am around 9-10 cms and ready to push. I wasn't too worried at this point. However, I continued to labor and it stayed intense for a while then slowed down. I did that with Juni so I didn't think anything of it. Around noon the midwife checked me again and I was still about 7 cm's. While I wasn't too worried I noticed some worry in the midwife about my progress. This made me regret having an assisted birth, but I tried to remain positive. I walked and showered and labored for almost 2 more hours and when I was checked I was still at a 7. The midwife said that it might be time to think about transferring. I was so lost and upset and blame no one but me because I did not fight harder. So we grabbed a few items we knew we would need for the hospital and we headed out. I cried the whole way there. Still contracting. We arrived to the hospital and got upstairs and checked in. We went over everything with the nurses, the midwife gave all my info and they checked me. I was still about a 6-7 and baby was still high. They let me labor for an hour and checked again, I was 8 cm's and the baby came down into my pelvis more. I started feeling pressure with each contraction but kept quiet and hoped I could labor more. After a litte less than an hour I was checked again and at 9cm's. The on call OB was in a c section at the time so they let me labor more. I kept feeling a stronger kind of pressure with each contracion. The nurse came in and checked again and I was 9 and a half with a little cervix left and baby was a little high but not as high as she was. I told them I felt pressure and they said they were going to go get the doctor and talk to him. The nurse was gone a few short minutes and came in and said no VBAC, he would not do it because he did not feel comfortable doing one. I told them that I felt like I could push, they said no, I had to have a c section. I was so floored and shocked, my brain literaly stopped. I just could not think straight. Looking back I feel I should have just pushed anyways.
I was wheeled back to OR to be prepped. I was getting a spinal. This took 3 tries to do. While he was trying to get it done I felt like I could push. I told the nurse that was holding my hands and she said no don't push, they couldn't have a baby in the OR. The spinal got done and they said to hurry and get me on my back because the baby was coming. They tilted me back and I became numb very fast. Next thing I know there is a curtain being put right in my face. I am claustrophobic and have PTSD and told them all of this yet they continued to ignore me. I began to have a panic attack because I couldn't feel myself breathing due to the spinal and there was a blue curtain in my face making me panic even more, on top of the fact I was being strapped to a table to have my child ripped from my stomach. I had two doctors standing over me and tons of people around me. The anesthesiologist was rubbing my head and telling me it was okay. I did not realize I was crying so hard I was sobbing and gasping for air. He asked if I was okay and I told him no. He said well they just made the first cut, so you are doing okay. I did not feel them cut me. I as happy, as I had felt the cutting when I had my c section with Nik. I asked where Junior was, they sent for him and he came in after they had already gotten to the baby. He sat down next to me and tried to keep me calm. All of a sudden I felt as though someone jumped on my chest. I could not breathe, my chest felt heavy. I started panicking again. The anesthesiologist said he could give me something for anxiety as soon as they pulled the baby out. I started feeling all kinds of pulling and tugging on my insides, it hurt but not too bad. Until one of the doctors pushed so hard on the top of my uterus that it knocked the wind out of me. I screamed out loud and then my heart felt funny. I asked if it stopped and the guy at my head said it "hiccuped" for a minute, but it was back and I was okay. I was still crying an in so much pain I could hardly breathe. I felt them pull out my baby and then I heard her screaming. I heard everyone saying how huge she was. I looked at junior and asked him how big she was he said he didn't know. I was freaking out thinking she was 10 pounds or more. Turns out she was only 8 pounds 2 ounces and long and skinny. Her head was small too. So wtf? After I heard her weight the guy at my head gave me a shot of something for anxiety which made me go into a major blank stare. I remember them stitching and stapling me and counting tools, which one was left in me and they got it and all was counted for. Once they got the baby cleaned she got put in my face, I could hardly see her as my vision got very blurry. Then everything was stripped from me and I was being wheeled out. I was still crying but not as hard. As we were going own the hall, the nurse placed the baby on my chest for the ride. A couple of the other nurses got upset but they let her say on me and I got to touch her. She started sucking on my boob through the gown. Everyone was amazed by this. We got to recovery and I got to nurse her and hold her. I was in so much pain and they gave me a loretab. I did not understand why I wasn't getting any pain meds. I was still slightly numb around my hips and legs but I could feel my entire stomach. They were so rough with me I was internally bruised. I stayed in recovery for about 8 hours. I did not understand what was going on until I had another panic attack and the nurse came in saying she could not give me the drip yet because my heart rate would not go over 40 beats per minute. My blood pressure was so low sometimes it didn't even read on the monitor. I was getting ittle shots of things that made me loopy and just not care but the pain never went away or even got less.Around 1am I was given a drip of meds that actually got rid of my pain. At about 330 am I was put into my room. MY entire stay was a wreck. I coud not sleep due to panic attacks. I spent every moment loving on my beautiful baby and trying to accept what I had just gone through. I nursed her on demand and she was doing so good with nursing. I had some hope.
It has been 6 days since her birth and I have an infection, my incision site is not doing well and my pain is horrific. I have nightmares and I don't even have to be asleep to dream. I can be sitting here and all of a sudden I am taken back and feel like I am reliving it. I felt I would be okay because I was nursing her and that gave me a connection to her. But now she refuses to nurse. I have tried and tried and she will not take me. I can't even begin to tell you how I feel. I keep hearing to be happy that my baby is healthy. I AM happy she is healthy. But I can not get passed the fact that there was NO reason for her c section except that the doctor did not feel comfortable doing a vbac on me. I had two VBAC's after my first c section and all was fine. I would understand if I had been 3 or 4 cms an labor not going anywhere but my labor picked back up and was going fine! I feel so violated and no one understands. Everyone thinks I am stupid for how I feel. I am sorry. I am NOT okay with c sections. I am not okay with this pain. I have 8 kids to take care of and now am in bed a lot because I can hardly walk.
Junior and I were sure we were done with having babies but the thought of just one more was in my head. Just one, in a couple years. Now that is not possible. There is NO way I can have another baby unless I allow myself to be chopped up again. Ad I am not okay with that. I feel so empty and hurt. I wish someone understood me and everyone would stop telling me to just accept it. I am trying my best. I adore my children and junior and they keep me going. I just need some time. I wish people could respect that. Everyone thinks they know, but they don't. I pray no one ever knows this pain. I know there are other women who have gone through this. But no one here in my life understands. I am trying to keep quiet and smile and act like I am okay, but truth is, I am not okay. I have no on to blame but me for allowing myself to be lead in a direction I did not need to go. I birthed Juni on my own and did great. I could have done this birth too. I have no regrets in my life, until now. I do not like having regrets. I have all of this to live with and no one to understand me.

Octavia-Willow Penelope
10-03-10
8lbs 2oz
20 1/2 in