Wednesday, October 21, 2020

biopsies. ..

My throat biopsy came back fine. My polyps, however, not so good news. both are midgrade and pre cancerous so I will be monitored and watched closely. 
Now the 28th I go for my uterine surgery. I am excited and scared. But have some hope. 
I am doing better in my recovery. Between my medications and group therapy I am feeling better and finally feeling some form of hope. 
I hope all of you out there who struggle but are afraid to ask for help, ASK FOR HELP. Your mind is an organ and needs medical attention as well. We have to tale care of mind, body and soul. Please know you are not alone and you are brave to wake up and deal with the same fight everyday. keep fighting, keep going. you are worth it and you are loved!

Saturday, October 10, 2020

Today is two years Since Hurricane Michael ...

Sitting here, still displaces from the major Cat 5 hurricane, Michael. I see memories pop up on social media about today while I watch it rain from the window. My heart is still broken for our losses. I can not believe we still have not recovered. I never in my life thought I would see such devastation.  It was incredibly unbelievable.  As we wait for the house to be finished, I feel so lost and scared of what the future holds. It seems we really got screwed here while the entire city of lynn haven higher ups ripped off so many. With hundreds of Bay county families still displaced today, it is clear what comes first around here. Finding help is difficult. We don't want handouts. We lost 22 years of our life. An entire household, gone. We are starting from scratch and this is one of the moat difficult things I have had to do in a very long time. This has wore my kids out, it has wore my mind out. The frustration is real. 
I am trying to be positive for the future,  but with so much's rough.

yesterdays proceedure

So I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy performed yesterday. I have several things going on. The two that scare me are the things they biopsied.  There were 2 polyps and something in my esophagus.  Everything else is manageable.  I go back the 16th of November.  That's  4 weeks I have to wait for the results. This sucks. 
I do have to say the staff where I had my procedure were amazing. The anesthesiologist recognized me having a panic attack and gave me something to help. It was nice to have someone notice. I mean, I can't control it and don't know what I am doing really, and he noticed and helped. I truly appreciate that. When you have anxiety and panic disorder, it's really hard to vocalize what is going on sometimes. I'm out here trying and some days I feel like I am drowning just to keep my head above water, and to have another human say..Hey, I see really helps.
I got a call to achedulemy surgery, I go October 28th. Now for this I am really nervous but hopeful. I hope she can fix me and help. I will update as I know more. time...
Remember to take some time out for YOU today.

Thursday, October 8, 2020

this week...

well, Tuesday I found out I have 6 large fibroids and I am going to have surgery Oct. 20th. 
Then Tavi got medically cleared for her hearing aids. So now we start the process the 21ts of Oct. 
Tomorrow is my colonoscopy.  I am so nervous and scared. The prep sucks. ugh. I am hoping to get some good news at soke point because I have reached my limit pn shitty news. 

More to come...

Monday, October 5, 2020

This week...

I go Tuesday for my ultra sound to check the mass in my uterus and will immediately see the doctor afterwards. Then Friday I have my colonoscopy.  I am terrified. I am alone in this. With the pandemic,  even if I had someone, no one could be with me. 
It makes me think of all those out there facing their own mortalities, with or without a support system, we are alone. It is isolating, it's scary and I don't know how some of you do it. Does this mean I won't face it? No. It just means, I feel alone, empty and scared and have no one here to.hold my hand while I face this. I do have some of the most amazing children in the universe who are rooting for me. They are the fuel that keeps me pushing forward. 
As I sit here and drink my coffee and get ready for group, I am trying to breathe and remind myself...I got this.

Sunday, October 4, 2020

the ups and downs of recovery

One thing, I am having to realize is, it took my mind a couple of years of constant stress to break. I need to keep in mind that recovery is not overnight. With any illness there is a time period for healing and it may be different for each individual.  We can not gauge our progress with other's.  
I am also learning that you can not heal in the same environment that made you sick.  This has to be the most difficult aspect of it all, for myself. 
I have to accept things that I can not change and instead change this environment.  When flowers begin to die we don't rip them up, we try and fix the soil around them. I need to fix my soil.
In light of mental health week, I urge all of you who find yourselves struggling to seek help. Turn to someone. There is no shame in saying you have had enough and need some help. 
It is usually those of us who fight our battles alone, those of us who push harder and hide our problems that need help most. Also, it is the same people who do not want to burden others with our issues. 
I hope you find the strength and courage to keep moving forward. You do not have to fight alone. 

Friday, September 25, 2020

It's okay not to be okay

This is my new mantra. Why is mental health so taboo? Why do we push ourselves past the breaking point, just to appease others? When we break a bone, we do what we need to so we can heal and when we get a cold we rest and get better. So why is it so hard to allow our minds time to heal? 
I guess I felt I could handle anything and everything all by myself. I did not give myself a moment to process things I have been through the past 2 years and my brain just...broke. I finally had enough. It should not have been that way. 
Reaching out for help is not easy, admitting you can't handle everything being thrown at just made me feel weak, as if I wasn't good enough because I couldn't handle what was going on in my life. Truth is, I couldn't.  And I should have sought help sooner. 
It will be a long road to recovery and you know what? I am going to allow myself time to mourn what I have lost and time to heal. Why should I feel ashamed?
I hope that if you don't feel okay, that you know...IT'S OKAY!! Take time for your mind just as you do your body. Seek help before that breaking point and please, for the love of all, do not let anyone make you feel as though you are weak or unworthy just because you need help! 

Sunday, September 20, 2020

some form of normalcy

I did 1.3 miles today. When I tell you it was hard, I mean it was hard. This is the first time I have been able to since my brain broke.  I crave normal. I want our home back. I miss everything. My heart breaks for my kids. Will we have Christmas together, in an actual home this year?? They ask me constantly. It kills me to see the looks on their little faces when I tell them I am unsure. We are trying so hard. Living this way has made saving for a place so hard. It seems like it is always something. 
I have group tomorrow and my echo of my heart. Hoping for a good day. 
The panic attacks have slowed up some, so I have been able to eat, and breathe. 
I think I am headed in the right direction. 
I just can not give up. Not yet.

Until tomorrow...

Friday, September 18, 2020

So much has changed

I love to keep journals, but I absolutely suck with this blog. I did make a promise in group today that I would work on this blog this weekend. So here goes!!!

QUICK OVERVIEW OF THE PAST TWO YEARS...(warning...may be long)

So, July 24th 2018, my life really changed. After 2 years of working hard on losing from 296 down to 175, I endured emergency open back surgery. My L5-S1 disk slipped and pinned my nerves and spinal cord on my left side. We were not 100% sure of what damage had been done and while they said I may walk fine again, running would most likely be years off for me. I was crushed. Running had become my life! It was a huge part of my arsenal for my weight loss. It was one of my favorite things to do! I decided to just go with the flow and see what happens. The surgery was good. I did not get any hardware installed and he said I had degenerative disk disease. 
I was sent home to heal. This process was grueling. Being sent home to 8 children and no help was okay. I managed and they actually stepped up and did a lot around the house.  As weeks went by I got stronger and more confident that things were going to be good!

Then, October 10, 2018, Hurricane Michael hit our city, head on, with the fury of what can only ne described as apocalyptic.  That day forever changed our lives here in Bay county. We lived in a cinderblock home. The walls held up, mostly, but our roof ripped off, windows broke, water poured in around us, another wall was devastating.  
We ended up losing 90% of what we owned. Fema was absolutely zero help. 
It is now almost 2 years later and our family is still seperated and waiting on the labdlords to finish the home.  They are amazing landlords and have done so much to tey and help, but they are in the same situation. 
Tha pandemic started in February, 2020. This has the entire world crippled. I keep wondering if this is just a dream. 🥺

A few weeks back, I ended up in the e.r. I kept feeling a strange tingly feeling come over me, from head to toe, my heart would race, I got dizzy, I felt pure death and doom. I just knew I was dying. 
Once in the e.r. blood work, scans, exams...found nothing major. I was anemic. My potassium was off. But my heart was fine. I was sent home. Between Aug 19th and Sept 14, I have been in the e.r. six times. Along the way a few minor things have been found. But the doctor told me, I had a nervous breakdown. These were panic attacks and I had severe anxiety. 
Everyday has been a struggle! I can not believe stess has done this to me. But I am a fighter. I have a few health issues I am facing and praying turn out okay. But my body has wore out with the stress.

I made the decision to seek help. I found an amazing place that talked to me and gave me options. 
I chose a very intensive therapy and just began it this week. We had another hurricane side swipe us for 2 days, so, this came at the perfect time.  

I am going to keep this documented. (I know, I keep saying that lol) I have books of journals I have kept and so great with them, but am adding this blog as I feel mental health is so important, just as physical health. I did so much to get my physical health in order and neglected my mind. Here is where I get my life back! Right now. 

I invite you to peek into my daily life. I am hoping to reach others out there and inspire. 
If you are feeling hopeless, or that this world would be nothing without you, please think again. Seek help. CALL 1-800-273-8255. 💙💙💙💙