Today marks two years since I brought Juniper into the world. After all the fighting i went through for my right to birth how I choose. THen along came Octavia. I had wanted to have a home birth again but this time let the medical stuff be in someone else's hands and I ended up losing trust and faith. I ended up in the hospital because my labor stalled. But it dd with Juni too and I was able to bring her forth without one problem. It made things worse when at 9.5 cm's the doctor said NO vbac for me. Now here I sit celebrating an amazing birth but then I think of how Tavy was robbed of that right. There was NO medical reason for what I went through and now I totally understand the term "birth rape" more than ever. It is so hard for me right now to celebrate an morn at the same time. I feel guilty for feeling happy and then feel horrible about Tavy's birth. I don't have that to share with her. All I have are horribly panful thoughts of that day and that makes me feel even more guilty. I feel as though I have been "unplugged" from myself. Like a cord from the wall. I can't believe my reproductive history has to end so tragically. SO many keep telling me I should just stop and be happy. But until you have been through it (and I pray you never know this pain) you can't truly say what you would do. Because I used to say the same thing.
Well on another note, I graduated my training. Still unemployed. Why? you ask. Well it is because I have 8 kids and they fear I am not dependable. Here I am, willing to work 2nd shift and wekends and just need one day off a week (on a week day) and no one wants to take a gamble on me. I also had a lawyer look into it and while it is wrong, it is NOT discrimination as there is nothing under the statutes about having children. Now if I were gay, or my religion interfered then sure. But all I can do is keep trying.
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