Friday, September 25, 2020

It's okay not to be okay

This is my new mantra. Why is mental health so taboo? Why do we push ourselves past the breaking point, just to appease others? When we break a bone, we do what we need to so we can heal and when we get a cold we rest and get better. So why is it so hard to allow our minds time to heal? 
I guess I felt I could handle anything and everything all by myself. I did not give myself a moment to process things I have been through the past 2 years and my brain just...broke. I finally had enough. It should not have been that way. 
Reaching out for help is not easy, admitting you can't handle everything being thrown at just made me feel weak, as if I wasn't good enough because I couldn't handle what was going on in my life. Truth is, I couldn't.  And I should have sought help sooner. 
It will be a long road to recovery and you know what? I am going to allow myself time to mourn what I have lost and time to heal. Why should I feel ashamed?
I hope that if you don't feel okay, that you know...IT'S OKAY!! Take time for your mind just as you do your body. Seek help before that breaking point and please, for the love of all, do not let anyone make you feel as though you are weak or unworthy just because you need help! 

Sunday, September 20, 2020

some form of normalcy

I did 1.3 miles today. When I tell you it was hard, I mean it was hard. This is the first time I have been able to since my brain broke.  I crave normal. I want our home back. I miss everything. My heart breaks for my kids. Will we have Christmas together, in an actual home this year?? They ask me constantly. It kills me to see the looks on their little faces when I tell them I am unsure. We are trying so hard. Living this way has made saving for a place so hard. It seems like it is always something. 
I have group tomorrow and my echo of my heart. Hoping for a good day. 
The panic attacks have slowed up some, so I have been able to eat, and breathe. 
I think I am headed in the right direction. 
I just can not give up. Not yet.

Until tomorrow...

Friday, September 18, 2020

So much has changed

I love to keep journals, but I absolutely suck with this blog. I did make a promise in group today that I would work on this blog this weekend. So here goes!!!

QUICK OVERVIEW OF THE PAST TWO YEARS...(warning...may be long)

So, July 24th 2018, my life really changed. After 2 years of working hard on losing from 296 down to 175, I endured emergency open back surgery. My L5-S1 disk slipped and pinned my nerves and spinal cord on my left side. We were not 100% sure of what damage had been done and while they said I may walk fine again, running would most likely be years off for me. I was crushed. Running had become my life! It was a huge part of my arsenal for my weight loss. It was one of my favorite things to do! I decided to just go with the flow and see what happens. The surgery was good. I did not get any hardware installed and he said I had degenerative disk disease. 
I was sent home to heal. This process was grueling. Being sent home to 8 children and no help was okay. I managed and they actually stepped up and did a lot around the house.  As weeks went by I got stronger and more confident that things were going to be good!

Then, October 10, 2018, Hurricane Michael hit our city, head on, with the fury of what can only ne described as apocalyptic.  That day forever changed our lives here in Bay county. We lived in a cinderblock home. The walls held up, mostly, but our roof ripped off, windows broke, water poured in around us, another wall was devastating.  
We ended up losing 90% of what we owned. Fema was absolutely zero help. 
It is now almost 2 years later and our family is still seperated and waiting on the labdlords to finish the home.  They are amazing landlords and have done so much to tey and help, but they are in the same situation. 
Tha pandemic started in February, 2020. This has the entire world crippled. I keep wondering if this is just a dream. 🥺

A few weeks back, I ended up in the e.r. I kept feeling a strange tingly feeling come over me, from head to toe, my heart would race, I got dizzy, I felt pure death and doom. I just knew I was dying. 
Once in the e.r. blood work, scans, exams...found nothing major. I was anemic. My potassium was off. But my heart was fine. I was sent home. Between Aug 19th and Sept 14, I have been in the e.r. six times. Along the way a few minor things have been found. But the doctor told me, I had a nervous breakdown. These were panic attacks and I had severe anxiety. 
Everyday has been a struggle! I can not believe stess has done this to me. But I am a fighter. I have a few health issues I am facing and praying turn out okay. But my body has wore out with the stress.

I made the decision to seek help. I found an amazing place that talked to me and gave me options. 
I chose a very intensive therapy and just began it this week. We had another hurricane side swipe us for 2 days, so, this came at the perfect time.  

I am going to keep this documented. (I know, I keep saying that lol) I have books of journals I have kept and so great with them, but am adding this blog as I feel mental health is so important, just as physical health. I did so much to get my physical health in order and neglected my mind. Here is where I get my life back! Right now. 

I invite you to peek into my daily life. I am hoping to reach others out there and inspire. 
If you are feeling hopeless, or that this world would be nothing without you, please think again. Seek help. CALL 1-800-273-8255. 💙💙💙💙

Monday, January 16, 2017

Weight loss journey

Two years of making changes, 64 pounds gone. 42 left to go. I am far from where I want to be but so far from where I was. And I am never going back. Only forward.  I will be posting more (I know, lol, I say that and disappear ). I will be posting tips and updates on my journey.
Bow as for the kidlets...Renni turned one Dec 5th. It has been an adventure! 8 kids in the home still. Never a dull moment. All of the kidlets are thriving and such amazing beings. Hope this finds all of you doing well!
If you need guidance,  a place to vent or want to know more about weight loss, drop me a message here! If I can do this, anyone can! #noexcuses

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Got test results!!!

Our baby has all of her proper chromosomes and no extras!! She is going to be just fine!! So for mommies out there who have a couple of markers show up on an ultra sound....don't give up hope. That was the most grueling wait of my life...but so happy to know our baby is okay in there! We worry. We are moms. We want our babies to be perfect so hearing something isn't hard to handle. They are going to keep an eye on her cyst but are confident that it will clear up!

Monday, July 20, 2015

The Waiting game

Well today marks the 7 day time frame for my test results on the baby. Of course it could be as late as the end of the week before we find out. It's the wait that gets to me. Then there are the nightmares of her being born with so much wrong. I am terrified. I want her to be okay. My heart aches. The pain of not knowing if she is okay... All of the what ifs...i try so hard to shut them off but they scream at me. I need to know either way, so i can prepare my self. I know my doctor is busy and there are other moms, possibly in worse situations than i find myself at this very moment. So i am trying my best to be patient. But any mother knows that when it comes to the health and well being of our babies , worrying is just part of it. I will post more when i know more. Until then...

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Not so good news...

On Monday we had our level two ultra sound. The baby, a girl, perfect in every way. However, a cyst on her brain and a thick neuchal fold suggest possible trisomy 18 or 21. I got the free cell dna blood test done to check the baby's chromosomes. We should know more by the 23rd. My heart is breaking. I am filled with worry. I have read up on things and found some stories that give me hope. But a mother...i worry. I will post updates as i know more. We are now half way through the pregnancy. I feel her moving...i love her so much. I just want her to be healthy. Trying to stay as busy as i can so i don't go mad. I have nightmares of how she will look. I wish there was a way to make time go faster...just to get me to the 23rd.